10 Rules to Assert Dominance in Research
"I am not the one in danger, Skyler. I am the danger. A guy opens his door and gets shot, and you think that of me? No! I am the one who knocks!"Walter White, Breaking Bad
Rule 1: Choose Data that Confirm Your Approach
If data fails to confirm thesuperiority of your approach, it's a problem with the data, not with your approach. You can ignore this data with confidence.
Rule 2: Don't Share Code or Data
The peasants can't handle the responsibility that comes with your supreme code and data.
Rule 3: Enforce Citation
As reviewer 2, it's your duty to improve the research of others. Citing your work will definitely push the quality over the publication threshold, no matter how unrelated your references are. Only exception: When the paper claims that their method is superior to yours (which is obviously false).
Rule 4: Use Math Extensively
Use as much math as possibly. This will impress your peers and create an impenetrable aura of the mystical around your work and your person.
Rule 5: Minimize Effort, Maximize Papers
By all means available to you, be author to as many papers as possible, with as little as effort as possible. Hire mignions, split projects into the smallest publishable units, maximize overlap between papers, agree to collaborations where you donor your credentials but nothing else.
Rule 6: Don't Read The Work of Others
Reading a paper would imply that you could learn something new from it, which is doubtful. Your time is better spent enriching the world by writing papers.
Rule 7: Dismiss Critique
When someone criticizes your work, it is likely because they are jealous of you. Laugh at critiquesa and declare problems as trivial (see Rule 8).
Rule 8: Call Everything Trivial
If you don't have the time or the wit to understand something, declare its triviality. This creates an aura of pure power that shields you from any doubt.
Rule 9: Never Ask Questions
Asking questions will make you look weak. Instead start with "More a comment than a question" and say whatever the hell you want.
Rule 10: Status Before Quality
It's more important to publish in highly esteemed journals and conferences. Research findings are irrelevant, but your glory (measured in citations) will outlive your mortal body.